Family Values: Heterosexism & Homophobia?

As a woman, a feminist, and a friend of many in the LGBT community, I was floored when an immediate family member attempted to inform me that my male partner and I are both 'in the closet" and simply don't know it. This person then encouraged us to "come out."

Despite being around this family member many times, they (and allegedly "everyone" in the family) have long speculated and have now concluded that my relationship is merely a closeted scam to veil my suppressed homosexuality. When I did reply with, "no, that's not true," this person claimed that this response only validated their suspicions. 

This random, seemingly homophobic accusation appeared to be triggered by a post that I had made on another social media website that alluded to my decision to remain unmarried and childless. Other hints of my latent lesbianism? Well, according to this person, other "clues" included the title of this blog, my abundance of (amazing) lesbian friends, and my less-than-immense interest in heteronormative sex.

This online-ambush was likely due in part to my attempts to resist the normative, patriarchal, power-imbalanced, gendered relationship conventions that they seem to have internalized.
Further, I assume that this person went through a series of preconceived notions before concocting their theory on my sexuality: "what kind of woman has hairy legs, loves politics, hates makeup, swears, and doesn't want to ever marry or have children? and "What kind of man would stay in a relationship that isn't centered around his dick? What kind of man prefers art, cooking, communicating over spectator sports and emotional repression?" 

So, what does one do when family members, many of whom interact exclusively with other middle class, heterosexual white people, assume an identity for you then proceed to pigeon-hole, scrutinize and evaluate your relationship and sex life? You back off, put your hands up, and say Fuck it.

Fuck it because I know that 1) When someone tells you who they are, you should believe them 2) When someone tells you they are not who you say they are, you should believe them 3) If I were a Lesbian I would know and I would be the one identifying myself  4) If you care so much about creating and circulating theories about other people's sexualities and categorizing relationships that don't fit into your restrictive worldview, maybe you should re-examine yourself.

Links - March 26, 2012

Links - March 26, 2012



The F-Word: "Why my body doesn’t exist for your viewing pleasure: An open letter to Ian Brown and friends"


The F-Word: "Safer strolls: A new, progressive way to blame the victim?"


Qvaken: "Advertising! Part 11: Killing Us Softly 4 and Silencing, Humiliating and Dominating Women


RATM: "Porn Part 11: The Difference Between Huffing Dong and Flipping Burgers"


Womon on a Journey: "Support Women's Right To Sexual Autonomy"


IBTP: "Nude Revolutionaries"


Stella Marr: "Call Girl Undercover "The Sneaky Language of the Pro Sex Work Lobby"


Stella Marr: "An Ex-Hooker's Letter to Her Younger Self"


Ariel Levy: "Chapter 4 Womyn to Bois"


The Irish Examiner: "The Harsh Realities of Being raped for a living"


Secret Diary of a Dublin Call Girl: "Non-Escort sex"

Women's Views on News: "Men's Rights Activists Named as Hate Group"

Smashethep: "On the "Cotton Ceiling," Rape Culture, and Feministe"

Some Complaints: Women calling Women Names and the Appropriation of Cultures for "Fashion"

My brain is exhausted due to my classes becoming increasingly demanding and so this will not be a coherent or long-winded post. I plan to simply complain about a few things...so, feel free to click away or stay a while.

First order of business, what is up with women calling other women "bitches" ironically? Or posting online with titles like, "Bitch, please!" 

Did it become cool for women to act like misogynistic men and call their female friends and well, their enemies, bitches? Or is it to simply score brownie points with the dood-bros?  I'm so sick of this "let's reclaim words that degrade women" nonsense as something that is liberating, funny or carries a substantial level of hipster irony. This brings me to my next complaint - hipster irony!!!

As of late, the fashion industry (especially the one targeting hip suburbanites who strive to adorn themselves according to their subcultural rules) has established new and problematic trends. Many of these trends are appropriated patterns and styles of various First Nations groups (the Navajo, primarily) and various objects associated with First Nations people such as headdresses, feather jewelery and mass-produced moccasins. Just recently, however, Urban Outfitters (the largest supplier of mass-produced culturally appropriated stuff) is being sued by the Navajo Nation for their "Navajo Hipster Panties"

from here

Of course, in this advertisement, we have a thin and hairless white woman (or a part of a woman, I should say) wearing a pattern/style that belongs to the culture of the Navajo people.  Urban Outfitters even went so far to use the name of the culture to promote their product - but there's more!

As an amateur photographer, I view vast numbers of photographs and have continuously come across photos of so-called "hipsters" who pose with headdress. Unfortunately, not one of these photos features a First Nations women and almost 99.9% of them include a female model who is thin, white and attractive based on patriarchal standards of beauty. The photos can be even more offensive, however, such as pairing white women in headdress alongside gore and violence. However, these photographers, as I have learned when confronting their "art," do not see the problem with what they are doing. They do not see this growing trend of making other, non-white cultures "fashionably ironic" and simply "fashionable" as being problematic on any level. But it is! And it is a further reminder of the limitlessness of capitalism, patriarchy, globalization and a deeply embedded colonial mindset. So, the next time you hear your ironic female friend call women "bitches" because they want to be viewed as "quirky" and "edgy" or see some white kid posing in skinny jeans, headdress, and war-paint - give them a glare, or if you feel safe, call them out on their bullshit. 

 And now, here is a series of visual examples found at the Native Appropriations blog!

Written Off

Wow, I guess when you speak out against people being called terrible names like "shemale" and "trannie" and you get removed from blog rolls and link lists - this is truly telling, considering we get pretty disgusted when other groups of people are called degrading names.

It is baffling though, how speaking out against such name calling gets me virtually "kicked out" of the club (not that I was ever consciously affiliated with or represented by a particular organization or group) -- but, if that is how it is, then that is how it will be. However, it is better to speak up than to remain silent. But it does shock me to think of how few women wanted to discuss the actual name-calling that was the central theme of my last post. Instead, many decided to focus on their critiques rather than the actual issue presented in my post, which was regarding the way trans people are being talked about in some radical feminist spaces online.

People who disagree should not be treated like this, at least, it seems contradictory and unproductive as disagreement is a natural part of life and a natural part of growth. To claim that I am simply a "traitor" because I believe that trans people should be treated like humans and should not be called names is just absurd. How are we getting to the point now, in our ideas and politics, where any dissent from any other woman ultimately makes her a "write-off" and deserving of being virtually shit on?

I wonder how united such a movement can be if it is willing to shit on anyone who questions anything that is proposed or discussed within that movement?

Comments are disabled for this post as I am frankly sick of the links to random trans-related posts (by the way, I have read many of these posts throughout the year) and assaults on my character. This post is a reflective of my thoughts surrounding the aftermath of my last post, it is not here for discussion. If you want to actually have a discussion that does involve the central theme of that last post (the name-calling), the post is still open for comments.

A Radical Pro-feminist Talks with Men's Rights Activist

I strongly urge all of my readers to read through A Radical Pro-Feminist's recent series of conversations with a Men's Rights Activist. The MRA in the posts behaves civilly, so it is readable. I recommended the readings as A Radical Pro Feminist illustrates amazing points, work of women worldwide and a real analysis of the so-called "Men's Rights Movement" 

Part 1 

Part 2 

Part 3

A Radical Pro Feminist has also recently opened up further conversation on the so-called "feminist" work of Katie Roiphe and Chistina Hoff Sommers 

No Woman No Slut

(Translates: No Whores, No Saints, Only Women

from here)

As someone who has been called a slut too many times to count (usually for not putting out) and who has been blamed and shamed for acts committed against me by men. I get it. What I don't get is why, instead of being enraged by abusive name calling, are women marching to the streets calling themselves something men have been calling them for centuries (in possible linguistic variations, of course). As much as I understand the intent and find joy in the fact that women are mobilizing against rape - I am saddened by the low bar being set. Is this it? Will attempts to reclaim words stop men from committing violence against us? Will it really make men see our true humanity?


The following is a conversation between myself and a few others...it basically summarizes my feelings about the "Slut Walks"


In my response to the invitation I wrote:

No woman is a slut. the word is not ours to reclaim since it has been traditionally used to oppress us. why call any women sluts? lets reclaim our right to be considered human beings with full humanity, not the sluts we are told we are. although I do not agree with attempts to "reclaim" oppressive language (women are not of the social power in our society to do so anyway) i wish everyone luck, as I know and i am sure thousands of other women (and children) know what it feels like to be told its "your fault" because of some attire choice, or shoeware or any other factor that isn't related to our consent.

In turn the creators of the event which is a group for "social change" replied: 


I don't think that anyone needs to tell women to respect ourselves.... this is part of the problem: 'others' deeming what is self-respectl and what is not. I think that we should all focus on being respectful towards others and developing our own humanity instead of telling others what routes are acceptable for self-empowerment in the face of systematic and degrading oppression.


And a male responded with:


The "SlutWalk" is an insult to women... c'mon women, have some respect for yourselves! This is the WRONG way to go about it... THINK ABOUT IT!!! THINK, BEFORE YOU EMOTIONAL REACT!!! PLEASE!!!


Another male said:


If the "SlutWalk is an insult to women" then why are so many women in multiple countries supporting it? Why was the event initiated and developed by women? It's an event created by and for women to counter the insults and injustices against women in our society. Please see the website created by the local organizers for a whole bunch of background


To which I responded:


Luckily some feminists are setting up "No women are sluts walk" so no one is called a slut, and no one "deserves" to be raped...or you know, i can take advice from the two dudes here and let them tell me what's good for my feminist agenda and what isn't based on how many people think a group (women) with zero social power can reclaim a word that has been used to us and subordinate us to the status quo and patriarchy. I stick to my guns that no woman is a slut. 


It's basic power relations - women walking around in short skirts calling themselves sluts won't change the fact that under patriarchy we are viewed as slabs of meat and orifices on legs - but i guess if we say it's "reclaimed" suddenly our lack of social power becomes irrelevant. The feminist movement needs to be reclaimed and re-examined, at least this middle-class only, liberal nonsense that changes no social structures,  nor challenges the actual root of our oppression - are we hear to appease the oppressor or are we here to declare our status of "human being?"


For anyone who is not looking to falsely "reclaim" oppressive language, but still believe women ought to not be raped and ought to not be blamed for rape or anyone who feels women's sexuality and/or sexual choices should be mocked, repressed and/or dominated by patriarchal forces should check out this event  that is called "Stop Calling Women Sluts Walk"


Also, for a great piece on this that examines the positives and the negatives of these events from a feminist perspective, go here

Campus Misogyny

Sitting behind a Tim Hortons* on campus today, I overheard a conversation involving two women and two men. They were loudly speaking at the table next to me, so it was difficult not to overhear. To my horror, the young woman, probably about 19 years old told her female friend (who had a boyfriend sitting with her) that she had gone to many strip clubs. The other woman said she hadn't been to any, so the first woman said she should take her. What came next was the real shock - she informed her friends that while she was at the strip club they played the loonie* game but the stripper was ugly anyway, she said. For those of you not familiar, the loonie game or sometimes  even, the penny game, is where onlookers throw coins at the strippers on stage, hoping to hit them in certain parts of the body. This is apparently a good way to spend a Friday night. Oh, and to continue the trend, the woman also added that the stripper was "a total dog."


It really disgusted me to hear women talking about other women like "the other", like a piece of meat unworthy of respect or dignity without thinking about a society that upholds such hatred of women.


I have heard of women going to strip clubs just to say they went, or to degrade other women. Maybe it gets them more points with their pornsick boyfriends, who knows?


It is commonplace in my city to throw coins at strippers as a form of entertainment. This way, doods (and clearly some women) can go out with their pals and have "fun" at the expense of a woman being paid to take her clothes off for a bunch of scumbag pimps and misogynists. 


To add to the already offensive conversation - the women also talked about up-and-coming female authors and how the only authors anyone could think of was "that Twilight bitch" or "that Harry Potter bitch"


What the hell is going on? 




* Tim Hortons is a coffee chain in Canada (the best damn coffee around!)
* A loonie is a one dollar coin in Canada. It is a large gold-coloured coin with a loon on it. It's not small nor particularly light.

Just Being Realistic

As a feminist, It really hurts me when I see women ostracizing other women without any reason. I was reading a blog by a feminist yesterday, I won't say any names because there's no need. The post pretty much said, if you're white, thin or traditionally "attractive" you can't be part of feminism, same with if you're NOT a separatist.

Well, separatism is something I support for women who want to do that, as much as i support a woman's choice to be with a man she falls in love with. Separatism isn't something a lot of women would be interested in, it's not a realistic goal. So if one chooses not to be a separatist feminist, that should not be a boot in the butt by other feminist women. To say that thin, white women can't be feminists is ridiculous and unfair. This type of thinking ostracizing women for looking a certain way, which undermines everything we try and do. To tell one woman she's not adequate for feminism is to disregard and ignore her experience and struggle. Yes, even white thin women like myself still face oppression, we're still women.

Is there a difference between being thin and white and being thin and white and not acknowledging that privilege? Of course. If white women, who act like Carrie from Sex and the City and think life is all about money, sex with men and plastic surgery, then yeah, i get the argument. But to just throw away a whole group of people because you find them "too" attractive is bullshit.

As a feminist, I care about all women as a class, If a woman hurts another woman or contributes to her oppression than that woman obviously isn't a feminist. We need to work to help one another to end the oppression, exploitation and pain women as a class face.

I needed to get that off my chest.

Queer Politics, Gender and Patriarchy Pt. 1: You can’t be a Sadomasochist and a Feminist

Recently I have been reading “Unpacking Queer Politics” by Sheila Jeffreys and it has got me thinking about various things. Now, I realize that Sheila Jeffreys is not incredibly popular but I believe she is incredibly informative and really cares about women. The reasons for her unpopularity are lame and hold no real ground. Most people dislike her because she actually questions things and tries to get to the root, which is why she’s a radical lesbian feminist. I honestly believe that we need more women like Sheila Jeffreys to really deconstruct this male supremacy we live in.

Anyway, her book that I’m reading is fantastic and is teaching me a lot about queer theory since I honestly haven’t gone through it. She explains it as well as deconstructs the principles that blanket over lesbianism. Jeffreys explains how the original queer theory was established by gay men and just really speaks about queer men and basically ignores lesbians. She also states that there is a definite difference between the lesbian feminist community and the lesbian community, which she argues is built up around male dominance, patriarchal influences and heterosexuality. Everything I was curious about in the lesbian community is making much more sense after reading this book. I will get to that in my next post, but before I would like to state the importance of Jeffrey’s critique of sadomasochism in the queer community, particularly in the lesbian community.

Jeffreys has criticized practicers of S&M in various articles, critiques and published books. She states that S&M interest in the lesbian community is heavily influenced by homosexual male culture. Now, many people will jump on the wagon and call Jeffreys a homophobe, or at least hateful of gay men, which is entirely untrue. It feels as though a radical feminist or a radical lesbian feminist cannot attempt to deconstruct or critique the gay male community without assault. There’s a huge difference between feeling homosexual men are all one way and questioning male supremacy, gender roles and power struggles in the community. I believe her critique of S&M is fair and in-depth as well as being completely tied to radical feminism and the dismantling of gender.

As most of us know already, sadomasochism is the practice of inflicting or receiving pain for sexual pleasure purposes. That’s basically the jest of it. The practice is debated amongst some feminists much like the critique of sexuality itself. Radical feminists obviously believe that one cannot desire to hurt, rape, beat and humiliate other women for sexual pleasure and still be fighting for women’s freedom. I have met, however, women who consider themselves radical feminists but support sadomasochism. I think this ridiculous concept stems from the fact that many people don’t understand the concept of radicalism, they believe it means “hardcore” or something equally ridiculous when it actually means root. So if you consider yourself a radical feminist and you attempt to find the root to oppression you most likely wouldn’t be able to find anything empowering about S&M. Unfortunately, many of today’s younger feminists have taken the libertarian/post-modernist route and decided to embrace patriarchal practices, worship their vulva by performing in patriarchal plays like The Vagina Monologues and watch pornography.

When I first started seeing so-called feminists supporting S&M practices, I was horribly confused. I couldn’t and still can’t understand how anyone can say they are a feminist while supporting such violence that obviously is male in nature. Jeffreys believes that this idea of S&M fitting into the lesbian culture has changed the entire community, separating the lesbian feminist community and the lesbian community. I have hung around a few lesbians a few years ago, I was very close friends with one woman who considers herself a radical feminist but had informed me that if her friend wanted to practice BDSM with another woman, she would find nothing wrong with it. Obviously, I couldn’t grasp how this made any sense and I started to notice a pattern in her politics. Her politics were incredibly libertarian in that she believed people should just do whatever they feel like and it can still be considered political or revolutionary. This is a giant misconception about feminism.

As I stated before, beating and humiliating a woman for sexual pleasure is not feminist, progressive or radical. I would hangout with her at lesbian bars and gay clubs – I would notice some women would dress like men and spank other women who were more ‘feminine’. Apparently this was ground-breaking and progressive, acting like a chauvinist dude and spanking other women and objectifying them was feminist. How can this be? Well, because she seemed to believe that if a woman did it with another woman it was okay. Apparently you can’t be a woman and hurt other women? I guess that’s why female brothel owners must be feminist and respect the women they sell to men to be sexually tortured. This of course, is not exclusive to the lesbian community, it is merely an example of my confusion surrounding the community and it’s relationship with radical feminism, or lack there of. I know a lot of heterosexual couples that participate in S&M, and since they enjoy it, it must be liberating and excused from any feminist critique.

Do you think sex should become re-privatized and thus hidden away so that the rad fems can’t question its roots? How will women be free if we only question some things and not others? Especially if the practices are harmful to women?

I hope to share more thoughts after I get through more of this great book.

“Alternative” Porn – Suicide Girls and Barely Rotten Girls: Sexualizing violence, Embracing White Male Supremacy and Reinforcing Gender Roles

I have a rant so ignore my grammatical errors. As a radical, anti-exploitation feminist I simply cannot wrap my head around the fact that some women embrace the harm of other women. I always hear of a few women who love pretending that the porn industry or the fashion industry can be liberating or “cool”. I don’t understand it. A particular kind of porn seems to appeal to a lot of subcultures, this “alternative” porn bullshit.

This encompasses suicide girls and various other “underground” pornography set up by sadomasochism enthusiasts to exploit women the same, sexist way but adding tattoos and piercing to make it “alternative”.

Well, all that is different is the women are put in leather outfits and covered in cliché tattoos like pin up girls and stars. But wait! It’s UNDERGROUND so it’s cool! Wrong. First of all, it’s NOT underground or alternative in 2010 to have tattoos, if anyone has noticed; most people are pierced up and tattooed. I don’t see how this is “alternative” when the women are still portrayed as nymphomaniacs awaiting to please a man. I hear the most pitiful excuses from “alt porn” users, one that is common is “They are illustrating REAL women, real women with breasts and butts!” Well, maybe a few women are in their healthy weight zone when posing for suicide girls but it doesn’t really offer much besides basically thin white girls in lame outfits with tattoos portraying cartoonish women in bikinis.

Another thing I hear a lot of is that this “alt” porn is replacing or changing regular ole’ porn. Bullshit. Why? Because it’s no different, you slap on a few tattoos and that’s it! There are so many of these counter culture porno cliques floating around and some of them go as far as showcasing half-killed women. I mean, what’s sexier than a woman who is dead? I mean, Jesus Christ here people…are you serious?

A troubling example of a “company” that uses half-dead women for masturbation accessories is “Barely Rotten Girls”. This is true, is swear! They also call these women “pin ups”, which brings me to another point. Fuck this pinup bullshit. Why would you want to be a pinup? Why the aspiration lately? I know it’s part of the cheesy subculture but come on, do you really want some dude to put you on his wall so he can jack off to you all night? But I digress. On this site these douchebags (both men, of course) show photos of women with fake blood, slit necks and bruises but still make them pose with a sultry stare. It makes me want to scream “fuck you!” as loud as possible to the ear of everyone that jacks off to this shit. Oh but of course the cliché zombie bullshit defenders will claim this is all just so quirky and ironically in bad “horror” taste, right? People will say it’s artistic and somehow deep. Well, the truth is you can be artistic and all that jazz but when you make a website dedicated to exclusively showing photos of nearly slaughtered women (which they love to call “girls”) than you’re not an artist, you’re a fucking douche bag who makes money exploiting women and encouraging people to view violence as sexy.

I wish people would wake the fuck up and smell the java. I wish people would stop finding violence sexy and creating equally violent, sexist and degrading material for other douchebags to jack off to.

I’m done.

Celebrating Child Abuse on Facebook

A few months ago I made a counter group on facebook. The group I made was against the growing number of groups that “like” hurting women. I first spotted the “hitting women” fan page and its thousands of fans. I was disgusted with how many people were posting pictures of women with black eyes and making horrible sexist jokes. I was even more disgusted with how many young women belonged to the group. Is it cool to pretend to like violence against women? Or perhaps these goons actually think its okay to hit a woman. The group was taken down but not long after new groups with similar names were created.

I have been hearing a lot about these types of groups and fan pages on facebook, ones about women staying in the kitchen and about rape being “fun” but today I found something different. Today I was exposed to a different fan page by another radical woman on my facebook called “I was abused as a child, and I loved it”

I couldn’t believe what I had read so I clicked the link. When I got onto the page I saw photos of toddlers and children with black eyes and bruises. As an aunt of three young children, I was obviously outraged and disgusted. Ironically enough, today I saw a story on the news about how police are using Facebook as a way to find information on criminals. Can facebook really be so blind? Do they not catch on when people have reported pages that blatantly call for harm to a specific group? Whether or not these people are serious is besides the point – they are still making jokes and making light of child abuse. Those kids in the photos can’t speak for themselves; they can’t do much of anything. It disgusts me that this goes on and that so many people join these fan pages.

What is even more ridiculous are the comments in the group.
Here is a comment by Craig H:

"Well a woman is still just a child until she receives her proper share of abuse. The benefits of abuse are not excluded to just children, but it is understood that best results come from abuse while still a cherubic little kid."

Then, I saw this photograph with the caption stating:


“Asked my mommy to cut off the crust of my grilled cheese. she punched me in the face and told me to do it my damn self. thank you mommy”

Matt G stated:
"All those nights in that cage really taught me to be a humble person. I'm glad to be here with others that have shared similar experiences."

If you want to report this group and I hope you will, here is the link

America's Next Top Model: Encouraging Starvation

Women are constantly exposed to photographs of women that have been altered and skewed, women who stand 5 foot 11 inches tall and women who are incredibly thin. The media, fashion industry and the like tell women that to be beautiful, they must be thin. As if it wasn’t bad enough, we now have Tyra Banks encouraging this idea of “thin is in”. The hit show America’s Next Top Model recently was advertised with a woman with the smallest waist in the world and Tyra applauded her.

Now, some places in Europe have recently decided that they wouldn’t allow sickly thin women to be in fashion shows – why? Because the fashion industry promotes unrealistic expectations for women, influencing how we feel about ourselves and what we do to our bodies.

I obviously have nothing against the model on ANTM personally, I have no idea if she suffers from an eating disorder, but it’s hard to believe that she doesn’t.

I just think it’s irresponsible for someone like Tyra Banks, who has so much influence on young women, to embrace a super-thin model when she could easily question the ideal of beauty and promote the image of healthy women.

I’m also not claiming that there is anything wrong with thin people – simply am stating that the industry and the media puts out one ideal standard of women out and ignores the rest.

A lot of young women feel insecure about their bodies, a lot of them hate their bodies and destroy their bodies. Our culture has told us that we shouldn’t eat certain things or look a certain way – it constantly reminds us that we’re not good enough. A lot of the same women tune into Tyra every week and likely will remember that episode of her talk show where she told every woman in the audience to love their bodies and their weight.

Was Tyra just trying to address the topic only because someone called her fat in a gossip magazine?

One of the judges even made a joke about eating disorders during the audition: "she's going to make Miss J eat tic tacs and watercress for the rest of the season!"

Hahaha! That’s hilarious! God, eating disorders are hilarious!

So what’s up with all of this? Why start up the controversy? Not that controversy isn’t uncommon with Tyra, Last season she went as far as having contestants wear a "blackface" for a biracially-themed photo shoot as well as having all of the models play dead with blood and everything.

Murdered women are totally hot!

It’s pretty obvious that Tyra doesn’t care about influencing young women about body image, if she did she wouldn’t be promoting the idea of starving yourself.